Woman takes 16-year-old daughter to Doctor

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant -- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Too Good Ones

1. Losing all your friends

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential? "
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

6. Anger management?

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."

Therapist kissing wife in front of husband

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

Think Differently

A middle-aged couple, Joanne and Bob, moved to Texas. Bob had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

Joanne looked him over. "Nope" she said.

Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Joanne, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Joanne looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Joanne?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Joanne replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. You shoulda bought a hat."

Intelligent Marketing

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One from Bangladesh, another from India and the third, from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Indian contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Indian contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence."

"Done!" Replies the official.

Corporal in the Dessert

 This general in the Foreign Legion is transferred to a new fort, and
half way through his tour of the place, he spots a mangey old camel
tied up at the back of the fort.
 He turns to the corporal: "What in God's name do you use that for?",
he asks.
 The corporal replies "Well, sir, there are a lot of men, and now and
then, they become, shall we say, horny...."
 "Ah, yes, yes, I understand.  Fine, move on"
 About 6 weeks later, the general wakes up feeling so horny, he'd get
up on the crack of dawn and calls the corporal.
 "Bring me to the camel" says he.
 The corporal does, and once at the camel, he makes it stand up, and
places a stool behind it.  With that, the general stands on the stool,
takes out Mr Floppy and inserts it into the camel.  He then proceeds
to give it the ride of its life.  Having finished, he puts away his
equipment, and looks proudly at the corporal.
 "Well", he says, "is that the way you men do it around here?"
 "Er...no, sir", replies the corporal, "We normally just use the camel
to ride to the nearest brothel."

Priest and Nun in a Dessert

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.  After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than
a day or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely
breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis.  Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling
he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get
the hell out of here."

Non Confirming Sparrow

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.

After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warn and happy the little sparrow began to sing.

Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleaned away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

Good and True Friends

A good friend will come and bail you out if you are in jail. A true friend cannot, because he is sitting next to you saying "dude we are screwed!!!"

Friendship Rocks :-)

Courting

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, was rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and he wondered what it was like and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, his mother told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile then he turned off most of the lights. He then started hugging and kissing her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart just like the doctor would do. He was not as smart as a doctor because he seemed to be having trouble finding it. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it in her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began to moan and groan and squirm around and slide down towards the end of the couch. This is when the fever started. "I knew it was the fever because Sis said she felt real hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When Sis saw it, she got real scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and started calling to God and stuff. She said it was the biggest one she ever saw...... I should have told her about the one down at the lake. "Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while her boyfriend took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel`s head to keep it from biting again. "Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess he wanted to kill it by squeezing it between them. "After a while they both quit moving and a great sigh came forth. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, the eel was dead. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp with some of its insides hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went on courting anyways. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly the eel wasn`t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats with 9-lives. "This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed it. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis`s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet....."

Johnny's Math Teachers

In Math class. Teacher: "Little Johnny, there are three birds on the tree, you shoot one of them, how many are there left?"

Little Johnny: "None, madam. The remaining birds would fly away after the gun shot noise" Teacher: "That`s a zero for you.

The answer was two, but I like the way you think" Little Johnny is furious and humiliated. The next day. Little Johnny: "Madam I have a question for you.

Three woman are having ice cream, one is biting it, the second is licking it, and the third is sucking it.

Which of the three is married?" Teacher: "Huh...the third one?"

Little Johnny: "No madam, it`s the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Doctor's Appointment

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have an dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

What Men Wants

Sexy Mini Skirt

If Girls wear mini skirt they look sexy. How will it look like,if boys wear the same?
Ans: It will look like a Church Bell..

Lightest Object

Q:) Which is the lightest object in the whole world?
A:) Penis. Even imagination can lift it.

Call Girl Visit by 2 Friends

2 Men went 2 a call girl. 1st went in, came out and said "no my wife is better".
2nd went in came out and said
"u r right ur wife is really better!!!!!!!!.

Sleeping with Wife's Best Friend

Wife : If I sleep with ur best friend what will be the first thought to cross ur mind?
Husband : That u are a lesbian.

Naughty Husband

A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

James Bond Boast

James Bond boasting 2 girls about new watch
BOND: It reads ur mind & tells me u r not wearing panties!
GIRL: But I m wearng em.
BOND: My watch is ONE hr fast!

Love is like a bird

If you love a bird let it free
If it comes back to you
It’s yours
Else forget about it!!

You know what... I have been telling this to my wife....So she did sincerely follow this and let me free as well.

But after some months she found me flying with a group of birds, she got cautioned and warned me she is going to shoot down me and the group of birds. So thought better come back to her!!!

Jokes apart, the lesson that I would like to share is

Love is like a bird -
You hold it tightly, it dies
You hold it lightly, it flies
You hold it nicely, it sits(shits) in your hands.

Judging Characters

I have been very transparent to my wife on all my past activities. But I do try to prevent certain present activities reaching her, as she might feel hurt about the same. Nevertheless I can’t avoid those activities as I love doing it.

My wife is aware of all of my past affairs by person and the events staged with them. I have a friend who is married, and I happened to date with his girlfriend to whom he got later married too. His girlfriend is now so sincere, though he is only virtually sincere to her.

I have not been a gentleman when it comes to ladies, and have a care free attitude about my image among closer circle. My friend and his wife started advising my wife to closely monitor me and keep checks wherever possible.

I did feel happy because my friend’s family is trying to prevent me in getting into unnecessary troubles in future. But it started becoming painful when, they started giving lecture about culture and added they can’t tolerate such things in life. The funniest part is my wife knows that his wife has been dating with me and this guy had been running after hookers even last week.

The lesson to be learnt here is while advising be sure that we judge ourselves, but not make our word a law to everybody. We must not judge rashly, nor pass judgment upon our brothers and sisters without any ground. We must not make the worst of people. If we fail to do that, we would be degrading ourselves if they know our facts.

Signs of Cheating Husband

Odd Behavior At Home:

Your partner or spouse…

• Appears distant, show a lack of interest or develop an unexplained aloofness.
• Is frequently tired or lack interest in the relationship.
• Wears cologne much more often than usual.
• Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath.
• Gets dressed up a little too well (to) for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand or menial task.
• Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or are more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house.
• Asks about your schedule more often than usual.
• Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance.

Romance Tip-offs That Something's Wrong:

A cheating husband…

• Is no longer interested in sex, or he/she makes excuses for its infrequency.
• Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you've never done before, including watching porn
• Shows a "new talent" in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they've been cheating)
• Appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you.
• Criticizes you for showing him attention.
• Continues giving poor excuses for why he is not in the mood to make love.

Work-related Signs That He May Be Cheating:

Your partner or spouse…

• Work longer hours, more frequently…and keep you from viewing his paycheck/pay-stubs
• Changes his established routine with no apparent reason
• Begins discouraging you from calling him at work
• Is often "unavailable" when you try to call him at work.
• Returns calls long after you leave a message for him.
• Prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.
• Takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him to the airport.

Telephone Mannerisms That Are Different:

Your partner or spouse…

• Receives "mysterious" phone calls.
• You get an increasing number of hang-ups or "wrong numbers" when you pick up the phone. Especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voice and doesn't speak. Generally when a person dials a "wrong" number, they will at least ask, "Is Robert there?" before hanging up (though not always).
• Phone bills that show unexplained toll or long distance charges.
• Hurriedly picks up the phone to answer it before you do.
• Leaves the room to talk on the phone.
• Whispers while on the phone.
• Suddenly need a cell phone (or pager) and discourages you from looking at or using the phone or pager.
• Deletes numbers from "caller ID".
• Behaves differently or ends the telephone calls abruptly when you enter the room. Or appears to hang up quickly.

Paper Trails of a Cheating Husband:

• Credit card receipts for gifts you didn't receive.
• An increase in ATM withdrawals. Especially those from out-of-town (receipts bear a time/date stamp).
• Credit card receipts showing purchases from places unknown to you or that seem suspect
• He gets a separate P.O. Box.
• Unusual phone numbers appearing on the bill.
• The duration and time of the calls appear excessive.
• He is secretive about his cell phone bill.
• He starts to pay it himself.
• You notice business travel or other deductions for travel or other expenses that you were unaware of.

Automobile Related Signs That Something is Up:

• The passenger's seat is adjusted differently than you had left it.
• Finding suspicious items like phone numbers, receipts, lipstick, condoms or strange hairs in the vehicle.
• Keeping a change of clothes in the trunk.
• Unexplainable mileage or a lack of additional mileage. For example, if your husband states that he went out of town yet the odometer indicates that only a distance of 25 miles had been driven. Conversely, if he says that he's only been to the office that day, yet their odometer shows many more miles ad been driven, this too, may be a significant matter.

Internet Infidelity Warning Signs

• He warily guards access to his computer.
• He shuts down the computer as you walk into the room.
• He adds password protection his computer.
• Or he stays up to "work" on the computer long after you've gone to bed.
• He has unusual sites showing in the "browser history", or erases them after each late-night session.
• He deletes email message more frequently

Again, let me reiterate that these behaviors are only indicators of a cheating husband and are not absolutes.

Copyright 2007, Keith L. Walker, the founder and director of Discovery Services Private Investigations, in Springfield Massachusetts. He is a licensed private investigator with over 15 years of experience Contact him at 413-788-4988 or email him at: keith@discovery-services.net

Love Slaves

During our teenage and until early thirties most of us fall in love at least once in our life (I say once because humans are designed to fall in love more than once). In most cases it is infatuation. In infatuation our heart takes precedence than our mind. Most problems that arise in these relationships are due to possessiveness. Love has a great impact on our lifestyle and relationships as dictated by our partner. In this process we tend to lose our good friends, well wishers especially from the opposite sex. We are subjected to prove our love by losing many of our things which we had loved for years.

The purpose of this article is sharing my experience. I was in love with a girl where I had been addicted to call her at least once in every hour, SMS every 30 minutes, meet her daily. Though physically we were not together always, mentally she was always with me. If I don’t get a call or SMS I would not able to concentrate on any of my regular activities. To accommodate her call anytime I used be alone, avoiding my family members and other friends and keep waiting for her calls. Due to her I have lost my other friends of opposite sex in order to build confidence in her. She felt proud when I sacrificed for her.

But one fine day we had a problem and she stopped talking with me, she did not take my calls nor responded to my SMS. I was panicked, restless, unable to eat, sleep and lost interest in anything. Days passed by, I noticed that my effort to reach her were getting decreased as she was always avoiding my calls. I slowly started spending time with my family and my friends. I started realizing that I am now on my own and there was no external factor driving me. I realized what all I have missed just for one girl.

It was after one month she called me up, but now that I have realized the foolishness I had been committing, I was clear enough to say I will be as I am and if she is interested we have a relationship else asked her to find her way.

Now I am happy with my family, friends and no hurdles in my life’s vision and mission.

Guys and Gals even if you are in a relationship, pause for a moment and introspect if you are losing good things in your life just because of someone. Love should always complement to your growth if not that is not the right relationship.